If you're ready to say goodbye to DC, or New York, or Los Angeles, or San Francisco, or Palo Alto, or Mountain View, or Menlo Park, or really anywhere in Blue America for even just a few weeks, your life in Baltimore is going to be an absolute thrill for a variety of reasons.
Obviously, for those coming from DC, Baltimore will be a breath of fresh air because just leaving DC will be immediately relieving.
And for those coming from New York, Baltimore is basically like an undiscovered Brooklyn, just waiting for you to discover it.
And for those of you in California right now, one great thing about Baltimore is that there aren't earthquakes on the East Coast, so for the first time in forever you won't need to go about your daily life with that low-level lingering fear that at literally any moment without notice the ground might start shaking.
And without earthquakes you can build houses with bricks, so there are a TON of houses built with bricks in Baltimore — and that'll be wildly different from what you're used to in California.
Also, almost everything in Baltimore is extremely old compared to what you're used to in California — not just because of all the bricks but also because obviously California's history as a state only began in 1848 (when all the early adopters became gold miners and found all the easiest to find gold), but things on the East Coast obviously got going way back in....1492.
And Baltimore?
Baltimore peaked 211 years ago, in 1814, two years into the War of 1812 (which is something I honestly never learned about growing up in California but is very important in Baltimore) when the brave Baltimoreans successfully defended Fort McHenry against British attack — the inspiration for The Star-Spangled Banner.
Yes, that's right. On the East Coast (basically a foreign country to Californians) there's this entire second revolutionary war called the War of 1812 where apparently the Brits lost again.
But wait, that's not all!
Because Baltimore also has trains!!
Ok. I understand that California will maybe finish the first leg of your high-speed rail in 2033 — but obviously that first leg won't connect the cities of San Francisco and Los Angeles, it will connect Merced and Bakersfield, because obviously when you're in Merced your #1 priority is to get to Bakersfield as soon as humanly possible, and vice versa from Bakersfield to Merced.
But Baltimore is ALREADY on the very best train route in America!!!
And speaking of the best train route in America, here are just a few of the incredible things you should know about Baltimore:
Amtrak: How many times do you think the Acela runs between DC and Manhattan, with every single goddamn train stopping in Baltimore? Once? Twice? Seven times? No! 12 times a day! Or, feel free to take the regional, it's honestly almost as fast. And there are, I kid you not, 21 daily trips on the regional from Baltimore to either DC or New York! So that's 33 options from Baltimore to DC or NYC (or Philly) every day. Plus, you can take the MARC train to DC, which is kind of like the Long Island Rail Road. (Also, there are also these mysteriously named trains, like the Vermonter, which you can take from Baltimore to places like Vermont, and you can technically also take to NYC or DC, but don't expect them to show up on time.)
Baltimore to NYC
Acela: 2 ½ hours
Regional: 2 ¾ hours
Baltimore to DC
Acela: 35 minutes
Regional: 45 minutes
MARC: About 1 hour
Baltimore to Philly
Acela: 1 hour
Regional: 1 ¼ hours
Baltimore to Vermont
Vermonter: 8 hours
Baltimore to West Virginia
Cardinal: 7 ½ hours
Aziz Ansari: I think Baltimore is exactly the kind of place where Aziz Ansari could move to, reinvent himself, and really thrive.
Baby's On Fire: A record store and cafe in Baltimore's Mount Vernon neighborhood. New and used vinyl from rock, indie, punk, soul, jazz, and blues artists. (4.7 stars on Google reviews)
Baltimore Basilica: Did you think basilicas only existed in Europe because there’s one in Baltimore! And what is a basilica? Come to Baltimore and find out! (4.7 stars on Google)
Brewer’s Art: If Hogwarts were in Baltimore, The Brewers Art would probably have been a place that Dumbledore secretly snuck out to for a quiet drink from time to time. (4.6 stars)
Clavel: A family run mezcaleria and taqueria in Remington, in the heart of Baltimore. (4.7 stars on Google)
Charles Theater: Hipster theater specializing in independent and foreign films. (4.6 stars on Google)
Dutch Courage: Refined gin-focused bar whipping up creative cocktails, plus tapas, sharing plates, and sandwiches. (4.8 stars)
Edgar Allan Poe House & Museum: Edgar Allan Poe lived here in the 1830s. This small unassuming structure, which was opened as a writer's house museum in 1949, appears as a typical row home, but is actually also a museum. (4.4 stars)
Edgar Allan Poe's Grave: Basically what you'd expect. (4.6 stars)
Fadensonnen: Wine Bar. Has outdoor seating. Also serves great cocktails. Doesn't accept reservations. (4.7 stars)
Guilford Hall Brewery: They brew their own beer on site, and I can 100% guarantee that you've never been to a beer hall like this in California, because the entire building is built of bricks. (4.6 stars)
La Cuchara: Intimate. Elegant. Basque fare. (4.8 stars)
Metro Gallery: Bar. Art gallery. Live music venue. (4.6 stars)
No Land Beyond: Baltimore's first-ever board game bar. Library of 300+ games. Curated craft beer. And cocktails. (4.8 stars)
Royal Blue: Hipster diner. Also serves great cocktails. (4.7 stars)
W.C. Harlan: Under-the-radar watering hole. Cocktails in a cozy, 1920s-inspired atmosphere. (4.7 stars)
Walters Art Museum: Art museum with free admission. (4.8 stars)
So, have I actually been to these places? Yes! (One or two of them.)
And that's exactly why I'm really hoping some journalists, or email fundraisers, or really anyone who is excited about writing come on a retreat as soon as possible and help improve things around here.
And we could also use some people who are good at creating video content because in some places all I've got is a giant question mark.
Also, we could use some people who are excited about whatever you're excited about! So, why not join us in Baltimore? ASAP!
